I am grateful for this opportunity to share my story. I’m thankful for my beautiful friend, Emily, and the vision she has for this ministry. It is so amazing to see her taking this platform she has built with her own hands, and handing it 100% over to Jesus. She has a huge heart, and I count myself super #blessed to know her.
Growing up, I had it all and I didn’t even realize it. My parents had come to a place in their lives where they loved the Lord and were solid in their faith, and as a result, I grew up in the church and knew Jesus from a young age. We had family nights growing up, my mom stayed home and homeschooled us, kids, we knew we were loved and we always had more than enough.
I accepted Christ into my heart when I was 6, and ever since then, I have had this Truth anchored deep in my soul that no matter what happens, no matter the stupid things I do, or the doubts that I have—I am anchored in Christ. I know He is real, He loves me, and He will never leave me.
My husband and I met the summer before my senior year of college. It was DEFINITELY God-ordained, and it has been almost spooky how almost everything in our lives has lined up and moved along. We often joke about how FAST we have moved in our lives together. To give you a brief rundown of what it has looked like so far:
2012 – Met in June
Dating in August
Engaged in December
2013 – MARRIED in July. WHAT?!
Moved to Spencer
2014 – Job change
Moved to our current home
Pregnant. Announced at Christmas that we were expecting our first baby!
2015 – Carson arrives!
2016 – Pregnant again. . .
2017 – Pregnant again. . .
Boom boom boom. Everything was clipping along, falling into place. Honestly, my pride made me believe we were that “golden couple”. Unstoppable. We had dreams, and they were coming to fruition almost faster than we could dream em’!
. . . Until I started bleeding.
Finding out I was pregnant AGAIN with two little boys rolling around at home, I initially felt overwhelmed and might have shed some tears in disbelief, but then I just sucked it up and just embraced it because I was already pregnant, after all—nothing was changing that.
…Until I was about 9 weeks along and something felt a little “off”. I had never had any problems with my first two pregnancies aside from some swelling with Carson, so when I saw red I immediately knew something was wrong.
I called my mom early on a Wednesday morning and she was up here in no time. Had tests run on Wednesday, waited two days, and had more tests run on Friday along with a Doppler ultrasound. As soon as our doctor walked into the room, I knew. We had lost our 3rd baby.
I sat in shock for a few moments, my mind spinning. I didn’t hear what my doctor and husband were discussing, but then tuned in and heard her explain about how they would remove the “remaining tissue” if necessary. Then, I lost it.
I remember driving home sobbing, telling Keaton “I wanted THAT baby” and “How could this happen to us?” I was devastated and so angry at God. Something that seemed so sure and good in our lives ripped away from us.
There is something powerful about the mind’s interaction with the human body. Because up until the point we heard the news, I only had a slight bleeding. Looking back, I feel like my body was holding on to hope that everything would be okay in the end. But by that night, my hope was lost, my body let go, and I had an empty womb again—every horrible detail engraved in my mind forever.
Moving forward from that experience, I had so many questions. I remember asking Keaton, “Why would God create a viable life just to take it away?” He reminded me that God is in control and that death was not part of God’s original design, but that it was a consequence of sin entering the world. I was so pissed off and dejected at the time that I didn’t want to hear or consider this reasoning, yet I knew he was right.
I shared our story, and so many women reached out to me I was overwhelmed. They, too, had experienced miscarriage or had lost a child and identified with the pain I felt. I was overwhelmed by their loss, their kind words and prayers, and their love and support through meals, flowers, and gifts.
God was using them to minister to me, and in turn, He was preparing me to be able to carry other women’s burdens, as well. Because He allowed me to walk this road, I now know how to love women well who are experiencing the same heartache.
One thing I learned from our miscarriage is just how fragile life is. In my pride, I sometimes take it for granted. We weren’t even through our first trimester before we were telling everyone we were pregnant “again” and laughing about it. Now looking back, I’m embarrassed at how invincible we thought we were. How flippant we were with such a special gift.
Every day we are given is a gift. Our lives, everything God has made, are crafted for one purpose only: HIS GLORY.
This whole experience has taught me to trust Him. It has shown me His beauty in ashes. It has increased how grateful I am for life.
A friend who had experienced multiple miscarriages before us shared this passage with us, and it washed over me and comforted my heart:
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:15-16 NIV
Even though we didn’t get to meet our Evelyn Hope, I have comfort in knowing the Father saw her and knew her before we ever had the chance. And she has been made whole in the presence of our Creator.
2018 – Pregnant again.
Thankful. Scared. I felt pessimistic about that whole pregnancy. That we would get to meet our baby. I talked to my mom every week and she asked about the size of the baby, how I was feeling. I just brushed it off—I wasn’t keeping track. I didn’t feel excited, truly excited, until the very end.
2019 – Brooklyn JOY Hildreth is born
Seeing her for the first time, I felt Christ restore his JOY to my soul. Throughout this whole experience, I had learned to trust God even when I didn’t understand. HE is the One who held me up when I felt utterly crushed. HE is the One who mended my heart when it was shattered. HE is the good, good God who showed me that He is greater than I think I am—HE is in control, and I am not. When our doctor lifted Brooklyn and I saw her crying, breathing and as healthy as could be, His Truths hit me again and I gave thanks to God.
I will never forget the baby we lost. But I can now say I am thankful. I am thankful that God allowed me to walk through the valleys so that I could see His greatness and power. I’m thankful He has never stopped loving me—loving YOU—ever. I’m thankful he has our little Evelyn in His mighty hands!
His Truths I remembered from being a young girl still rang true through it all — I am anchored in Christ. I know He is real, He loves me, and He will never leave me.
God is greater than our highest highs and our lowest lows.
Hallelujah! He has given me peace.